Previously published on Viral Thread
I’ve always felt that there are a number of things I need to change about my life before I become a proper human being. I see proper human beings everywhere – on the train, going into fancy offices, coming out of swanky clubs – and I always feel alienated by their presence.
They spend their days making money, carefully planning their time in exquisite handwriting and being effortlessly brilliant. These are flossers. Rather than flossing sporadically or in the coming days or weeks before seeing the dentist, they do so on a regular basis.
Certainly, you shouldn’t let your dental health routine define you. A flosser wouldn’t let it. But it is an indicator of whether or not you’re a proper human being. There are many others but none as reliable in dividing those who are in control of their lives and those who aren’t quite.
The flosser gets up at 5am and goes to the gym before work. They spend a whole day ticking off achievements in a steel and glass office building then have a quick drink in the glow of the sunshine reflecting off their workplace. These words shouldn't be taken as disdainful, however. After all, this level of organisation is something I could only hope for.
There are exceptions to the rule, of course. You can be successful without being a flosser. Somewhere there is an individual who has made all the money and friends one could hope to. They have the beautiful and adoring family. The house. The sports car. The recognition in their field. But they will always be among strangers.
There will be an ethereal quality common amongst friends, colleagues, even family perhaps, which they are lacking. They might turn to drugs, maybe gambling, and will eventually destroy everything. But all they had to do was floss – and they would have been one of them.
Certainly, I don’t have a lax attitude towards hygiene – I probably wash my hands a dozen times a day. But building flossing into a routine shows a level of self-worth and organisation I have never quite managed. Flossers are never late, they wash up after they eat rather than before and never ignore a job which needs doing. The collective noun for flossers is “an achievement”.
Achievements of flossers can be seen gliding around life with synchronicity and sophistication. They know exactly where they’re going and exactly what’s going to happen when they get there.
Of course, the world is awash with non-flossers - people living in the future, basking in their as-yet-unfulfilled potential. There's always next year, that task can wait and diets always start tomorrow.
Well, according to the experts, it's foolish to continually declare a fresh start then aim for the longest possible streak of thoroughly healthy, virtuous productivity. Instead, you just need to be about 80 per cent consistent. Well, I like fresh starts and having predictably not stuck to my new year's resolutions, it's Monday 1 February tomorrow - which seems as good a day for a fresh start as any.
If being a productive and impressive person seems a long way off, just remember what I will be remembering - that you only need to be 80 per cent consistent. Perhaps this is all flossers are actually doing?
If you do floss on a regular basis but you haven’t quite made it yet, don’t worry – you will. Meanwhile, if you’re a flosser who’s using your ambition, determination and organisational skills to fulfil your potential and make waves in your field, then what are you doing reading this article?
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